Boppinwithaborderline

If you know me, you probably know that I am a self proclaimed momma’s boi. I was that kid at summer camp that kept a picture of their mom under their pillow. I would also get so upset that I would ask to call her. I wanted to hear her say “It’s ok moo moo. I will see you when you get home. I love you!”

I will never feel guilty for being obsessed with my mom, and the ten sweet years we got to spend together. I know I am a just a LITTLE biased, but she was the best. She set the standards high for how I feel I deserved to be loved.

Between crushing it on her tennis team, leading church events and working at the hospital, she still had time to make my childhood magical. From notes in my lunchbox, just to say “Hi!” to escorting my class on field trips, she never stopped being present. I love you Ann Elizabeth Kerley Tyler, and you will stay forever in my heart.

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This is hard for me to admit but when I was 10 years old, I seriously thought I had killed my mother. What I mean by this is that I had watched a movie, prayed to God and had a temper tantrum.

When I was 9, I watched the movie A Walk to Remember. As Mandy Moore started singing, I began to become memorized. All of a sudden, my happy life did not seem so happy. I wanted more out of life. I now wanted to fall in love just like I watched Jamie and Landon on my friend’s tv screen. So I prayed to God, asking for more excitement in my life. I felt like he delivered, just not in the way I expected.

The next day, I had piano practice. I hated playing the piano. It hurt my back and I could never remember the notes. So when my mom walked in and told my piano teacher to leave after only about 5 minutes, I was stoked!

As my mom and I walked back into the kitchen, I saw my dad home early from work, my aunt and my siblings standing around.

“Why do I get to leave piano early? Why is everyone here?” I ask my mom.

It turns out that my mom had a lump on her neck. It turns out that lump was Lymphoma. The adults explained to me that she was sick, but that she would get better. I remember us going out to eat (which was a huge treat for us) to “celebrate” her getting better.

After 9 months, my mom kept her promise to me. She got better.. or at least I thought. As a child, I did not understand the word remission (when signs or symptoms of cancer decrease or vanish).

The family dynamic had changed a bit, while my mom was in remission. I think I was so scared of losing her that having her back, I vowed I would do anything to keep her safe and never risk losing her again.

However, her remission was short lived. The cancer came back, and this time it was everywhere. The doctors gave her months to live.

When my mom got really sick, I noticed her absence. Her hospital stays were longer. When she was home, she was too sick to play with me or do our Friday tradition of a pizza and the newest Disney Channel movie.

I was hurt. I was angry. I went to my room and had a full down melt down.

I had asked God nicely thousands of time to help my mom. I felt like popping off.

“Fuck you God! Fuck you Mom! Just take her! Just take her!” I yelled as I started throwing objects around my room.

As soon as the words left my mouth…. SHAME entered my soul. He took her soon after this tantrum.

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I have come to peace with my actions. In this story, I was a young child that: (although it took years and a lot of shame to cope with)

1. Romanticized a Movie- Meaning I thought my life would be as exciting and falling in love would be as magical as what I saw on the screen.
2. Got angry as I was having a private conversation with God
3. Had a temper tantrum in the hopes to obtain more quality time with my mom.

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Just to clarify, break ups in casual dating is not this hard for me. Ironically, when it comes to making friends and casually dating, I actually push people away quickly. For example, if we are friends for two years, and then you drop me as a friend.. I would shrug my shoulders and think I guess we ran our course..

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My past two prior relationships spanned 3 years of my life. As I reflect back on those three years, I realize quickly what attracted me to those relationships.

1. Texts while I am at work= notes in my lunch box
2. Ordering a pizza and watching the newest Disney Channel Movie = Someone to do fun things with on the weekend
3. Planning amazing vacations and coming on school field trips= travel buddy

My point is that… I guess you could say I have Mommy issues… and I guess I do not care.

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Co-dependency: Signs and Symptoms:

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At some point in my life, I have struggled with 1 or all of the above listed. The GOOD NEWS is the sooner I unravel the distorted thoughts.. the closer I am to breathing…. healing…

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A Celebration of Life Photo Dump:

Bops that I Bopped with mom

From the 2003 Disney Channel movie “You Wish”. My mom and I loved singing this song together.