Boppinwithaborderline

If you have made it to part three, thank you. These are part 3 of my confessions:

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Putting it All Together

All mommy jokes aside, I struggle with breakups for several reasons. Again, breakups I am referring to a romantic partner that I grew to love and spent a significant amount of time with. Here are my core issues:

Unhealthy View of My Self-Worth and Esteem: As an adult, I am on the one hand relieved that I do not struggle with self-esteem issues that stem from my physical physique, because on the other hand it kind of sucks. Let me explain, I used to be self-conscious when I was younger of my acne, belly fat and bird nest hair (user error). As a I grew older and stopped giving a f%!k (sorry mom I cuss ALOT on this), I started noticing a problem. As I began meeting and dating countless people…some people did not like me. WHATT??!! Yeah, its true. Then I had to think hmmmm is something wrong with my personality? Is something wrong with me? I would like to think that self-reflection is healthy, but I do not believe the way my brain answered these questions was very healthy. My answers were quick and to the point, yes. Something is very very wrong with you. My solution was also not healthy. My solution was to find people that make me feel better and secure. Does anyone catch any flaws in that thinking?

Security Problems: “Oh, home, let me come home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Oh, home, let me come home
Home is wherever I’m with you” -Edith Whiskers

Unfortunately, if these lyrics were true.. my home is a mobile home that keeps driving really far away from me, at a fast speed… heading for the coast. Since I give my partner complete control in the relationship, they can drive it wherever they want. That leaves me (metaphorically of course) homeless. Moral of the story: when I make SOMEONE so important that my PEACE comes from their ability to be with me, it brings us both down in avalanche, when things go south… or north.. depending if you like the snow and high rent.

Anxiety– The first thing I do after a breakup is call my brother, sister and aunt hysterically crying. They hear the same shit over and over again.. God bless you guys!

“No girl will ever love me again!!” And boy do I mean that when I say it. I ACTUALLY believe in my mind that NO ONE will ever want to date me again. I feel like the type of baggage left outside of Goodwill because the Goodwill employees say, “oh sorry we cannot take that, it is too old and worn out”.

Depression– As an adult, breakups are actually the only time now that I suffer from depression. My ADHD and anxiety keep me like a gnat buzzing around life so when I lay in bed for weeks, we have a problem.

Adult ADHD- If you remember my post about racing thoughts, then you might assume that my mind is a toxic waste dump of crap running at a thousand miles an hour, and you would be correct! I told you my viewers are SMART! Also, I get built up energy like a volcano. When it irrupts, it is not pretty. Self-harm is something I started when I was 18. I punch the wall or myself. I feel like I have so much energy that punching things is the only way to get it out. You might suggest that I get a punching bag or a pillow… I have been using a punching bag since high school (on and off).. If I always coped correctly, I would not be writing any of these posts.

PTSD– Before the age of 13, I saw one human die and one try to. Since those experiences, I have had nightmares and other PTSD symptoms. Every negative experience I have had since those two, gets added to a giant pile of PTSD crap. When I experience a breakup, my brain presses play to the worst soundtrack you have ever heard.. I’ll let you decide which soundtrack that might me.. and I will listen to that tape a billion times in fast forward.

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Like I mentioned in a previous post, once you unravel your trauma, you can begin replacing it with healthy thoughts and FUN experiences.

One of my favorite mental health exercises is one about core values… here are some of mine:

1. Acceptance- to be accepted as I am
2. Adventure- to have new and exciting experiences
3. Excitement- to have a life full of thrills and stimulation
4. Fun- F is for friends who do stuff together
5. Independence- to be free from dependance of others
6. Humor- to see the humor side of myself and the world
7. Inner Peace- to experience personal peace
8. Intimacy- to share my innermost experiences with others (I also LOVE hearing your stories)
9. Openess- to be open to new expereinces, ideas and options
10. non-conformity- to question and challenge authority and norms
11. Tolerance- to accept and respect those who differ from me
12. Romance-to have intense, exciting love in my life
13. Pleasure- to feel good
14. Ambition- not only for the dolla bill, but to accomplish my hopes and dreams.
15. PURPOSE- TO HAVE A MEANING AND DIRECTION IN MY LIFE: This one is the biggest to me, several aspects of my life give me purpose. You guys are for sure one of them! My nephews and my students also immediately pop into my mind!

I encourage you, if you have not done so, to think about your core values. I admire you for any role you play on earth: mom, sister, friend, teacher.. but who are you really?

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I want to end this post with a breathing exercise that I do when I need just a short break from the world around me. You can think of a happy place, stare at an object in the room or just close your eyes and let your mind go nuts:

Inhale….. 3 seconds….. hold 3 second… exhale 6 seconds…… Repeat as needed.

**Stop and consult your doctor if you have any trouble breathing. **

Check out part 1 for all things MUSIC!!