Boppinwithaborderline

*WARNING this post contains speech of suicidal ideation*

I have always been told that taxes and death are the great equalizers. Knowing that we as humans are in this together gave me comfort… Until my mom died. Just to recap, I told a story in a previous post where I explain that I believed I had actually caused my mom to die (spoiler she had aggressive cancer). After her death, my 11 year old brain began to develop some interesting habits.

As far as I remember it all started when I was walking on a sidewalk and I stepped on a crack on the sidewalk. I paused and thought, “step on a crack, and break your momma’s back.” I would avoid cracks for years after that. My reasoning was that I had already done enough harm. I did not want to do anymore.

After I started avoiding cracks, I began obsessing over light switches. Everything had to hit a perfect number. The part that drove me to insanity was when I would hit a perfect number, but I would have to start over because “something didn’t feel right.” Ughhhhh.

Another ritual I had was to walk around the kitchen counter a certain amount of times. I wish I would have had a Fitbit back then!

These rituals were not only time and energy consuming, but also embarrassing. I remember in middle school, one of my teachers was playing a movie and I had to raise my hand just to ask if the volume could be on an even number… or a 5… 5’s are cool I guess.

It was actually still pretty bad when I turned 18 that when I moved to Belize, I had to buy my own utensils, when eating in the communal kitchen with my friends.. Yeah, I was that guy.

I assumed that I was going crazy (I am referring to when my OCD was at its worst, ages 12-17). The insanity brought me to a dark place. A lonely place. A sad place. It brought me a numerous amount of times to the roof of my parents two story home. The insanity would also drag me down to the kitchen, where my parents kept the knives. If I was gonna end it, I had 2 options.

I am not sure if it was my Higher Power that held my hand, but I am so grateful every day that I chose life. Everyday, I choose LIFE!

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It was not until I was in highschool that I figured I might be struggling with symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Like many teenagers I was a LIL messy. One day my parents had enough and asked me to clean my room. My stepmom was kind enough to volunteer to help me. As we begin, we pick one corner of the room to start. It takes us a long time just to do one area. The reason being that I want every single item to be in the “exact” spot. I began frustrating and overwhelming myself because I thought it would take years to clean this room.

Noticing my frustration, my stepmom says, “I think you might be OCD”.

Relief fled my brain. I could put a name to the beast. I could relate now to others that also struggle with this disorder.

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The year is now 2023 and I am tap dancing on cracks. I still care about my mother’s back, but some things have changed since those dark days back in middle/high school.

Just like overcoming many of life’s obstacles, the way out is usually through. I would first have to have the courage to take my big toe and graze the crack. After my toe graze, I likely had floods of negative thoughts.

“Okay, you can step on cracks… but your room has to be clean. You still have to keep things on even numbers….” I thought as I probably felt like puking.. It was super uncomfortable… But no more uncomfortable than writing this blog, sometimes. Growth requires me to be uncomfortable…Can you relate?

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As it stands, when I talk with my mental health provider.. I now have 0 signs and symptoms of OCD. If anything, I am now the opposite. I walk past crooked signs. I forget shit ALL the time. When I was single.. I kept my apartment spotless.. but I think that is just a preference.. It helps my ADHD to clean vigorously. I encourage you to talk to a professional, if you think you are struggling with OCD.. You do not have to suffer alone.. and you can escape through!!

Bops about my Experiences with OCD