Boppinwithaborderline

As a human, there have always been moral lines I vowed to never cross. I know I might not show the world this side often, but I am typically a very rational person, and I am actually a little bit of a planner. I love my calendar, it keeps my ADHD in check. This post is dedicated to every time I risked my life, risked other peoples lives and hurt others emotionally, because I lacked impulse control.

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I am going to start with a silly story that honestly has no real impact on my life…. other than thinking.. that was a little weird. I want you to catch patterns in the stories, and even silly stories contain the pattern.

One day I was driving the 5 minutes it takes for me to get to Starbucks from my house. While I was driving the smash Whitney Hit “RESPECT” came over the stereo. I danced and I sang… Then the song ended and something lame came on and I was relaxing as I pulled my car to the drive THRU of Starbucks. As I approach this lady comes flying by me and inserts her car in front of mine.

Now, I have been cut in line several times in my life, and normally I do not care… but for some reason that day I cared, and I had an idea. I rolled down my window and cranked up and sang at the top of my lungs at the lady.

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me! sock it to me sock it to me”, while she ordered.

The lady looked back at me mortified. I am guessing she did not see me as she cut me off… Likely story, but it could be true. The lady behind me was laughing hysterically.

Moral of that story isssss I can get manic highs and lows. I started off this post on a high!

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Now, lets ask the back row… Do you think mixing alcohol and other substances with manic thoughts is a GREAT idea? Nah, its probably not great. But I ask that you to please give me a lot of grace on this post. I was “young, dumb, & broke.” At any time you think I went too far, go watch Dateline or Survivor, or any reality show for that matter..

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The year that I went to Thailand with my college was one of the weirdest time periods of my life. As a gay non binary who was in the closet for years, coming out was awkward as fish sticks. Do I wear women’s close? Men’s close? Do I chop off all my hair? Do I need a sleeve or fade as tribute? I do wanna sleeve actually, but I have this feeling that I am never going to get it. I keep putting it off.

Any ways, I was single as a Pringle at the time and I had spent my birthday completely alone at a hotel the night before we left. I honestly felt really lonely in a beautiful land. This is not to knock the group I went with. They were dope as hell. I met some really fun, cool and kind humans! One group member will actually save me from my impulsiveness in the story below.

Our group leaders were also our professors, and they had strict rules for us. We had to be back at our hotel rooms with doors locked by 10pm (or something like that). We were to only travel in groups, and we needed to remember we represent Charleston Southern University and the Lord.

So naturally, a group of us got together and planned to sneak out so we can go to some Thai night clubs. Our hotel actually had one club attached to it, so we started there. The vibes were lame at that place, but the alcohol was alcohol. We went to another place, eventually but by that time my reality was a little fuzzy.

Eventually we all start walking back to the hotel.

**Insert Lack of Impulse Control*

Morgan stops and notices that no one else notices that I stop. I think to myself…. I hope my family is not reading this actually… hahaha

I think to myself, “that bartender was flirting with me. I think I want to take her to another hotel room.” So at 3am or so in the morning, I walk by myself as a drunk monkey and find the bartender. I ask if she wants to go home with me and she grab my hand and smiles and shakes her head yes.

As we are walking towards the exit, one of my group members (who I still admire as a human to this day), grabs my hand and says something like “let’s go Morgan”.

I drop the ladies hand and go with my friend back to the hotel.

I do not know if you know this or not…. But that lady would have expected payment after…. I am not here to share any views on this topic. But for me personally, I am so happy my friend took my hand that day! Thank You!

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There would be other times when I travel, when I did not have that friendly hand to save me. My self-sabotage would cause me to actually isolate myself to the point of LOSING relationships.

Like I said, coming out of the closet was hard. There were times that I revoked my green card Lesbian status because “dating men is just easier”… (I wish people would stop telling other people that)….. It is not.

Anyways, when I was in Jordan.. I got into some trouble. I went to Jordan for 10 days with a church based out of South Carolina. To be fair, I did not attend this church so I knew no one. Everyone was SUPER nice and welcoming.

The first 7 days of this trip was located in Northern Jordan where we taught an English as a second language (ESL) camp. It was a blast! One of the best weeks of my life to be honest with you.

Things get weird, when for the last 3 days the group separates. A small group of us signed up a fun small trip down to Petra. Petra is considered to be one of the 7 wonders of the world, and it is wonderful.

One day my group decided to hike through the city and up its countless ancient stairs that wrap around the caves and mountains. The only problem, I was wearing like beach flip flops. At first, I was fine but after about 20 ancient stairs, I looked at my group and told them I would wait for them back at the hotel.

They were hesitant to let me go back by myself, but they said OK.

The hotel was probably a 1-2 mile walk from where I was at, and it was HOT.. so when a boy on a donkey came up to me to ask if I wanted a ride back to my hotel… I said yes…

As we rode back, we passed a guy that looks like Jonny Depp from Pirate’s of the Caribbean. He stops the boy on the donkey and tells the boy to get off the donkey because he will take me back to my hotel. Soon after Jonny takes over, we begin to small talk. For example, I ask where do you live? His answer… a cave near by (dead ass). He then abruptly stops the donkey and tells me to get out. We go inside this little restaurant.

“What do you want?” He asks.

I do not remember what I said… but we ate a small bite and got back on the donkey.

As we start to trot… he goes.. “A group of guys and I are going to the watering hole. Would you rather go with us than back to your hotel?”

Okay… I know what you are thinking… MORGAN… does NONE of this sound like Dateline? And yes… I was nervous and when he asked me that question I said… “no thank you”…

But then I say, “but would you like to get a drink at the hotel bar with me?” He looks at me and goes.. “too over priced.. I know how we can get cheep boos”. We take the donkey to the street and get in a cab. We take the cab to the liquor store. We take the cab back to the donkey, and we take the donkey up to the most beautiful cave to enjoy the sunset.

We kiss. We cuddle.. and honestly it turned out to be one of the most thrilling nights of my life… There was ONE or TWO glaring problems with this story:

1. Safety (I get it) 2. I worried my group.. They almost called the cops looking for me 3. I like Women 4. I HAD A BOYFRIEND BACK HOME!!

Not only did I have a boyfriend…. but I had a good one. He was nice and kind and treated me like a French Toast Queen. IDK what anyone says, being treated like royalty is nice!

I Facetimed my boyfriend as SOON as I got the hotel room and told him. I was crying hysterically. I was telling this hot man, who treated me like a queen that I just hooked up with a literal cave man.

He was so nice that he originally forgave me. But soon after I got back, he realized his worth and he got far away from me… I do not blame you! I would have done the same!

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Damn Morgan, we cannot let you out of America can we! Save it. Morgan has behaved recklessly, selfishly and impulsively here in the great US of A. One might say I have passed out behind “too many” dumpsters. And to be frank, I felt safer with cave man and Thai bartender than some of the American characters I got caught up with. I still have so much love for Jonny and my ex boyfriend. Class acts!

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This picture of the brain is just to give a GLIMPSE of the complexity of the brain and how some of our thoughts are automatic… AKA we really do not have much control over them… (I am not saying that you have 0 Control of your thought patterns)..

What I am saying is that past experiences are stored in a different part of the brain, and different aspects of the brain are activated (without our consent)… Therefore, if I feel a lone, I might have PTSD to back when I was a preteen and left a lone for critical amounts of time. When I drink alcohol, feel good hormones release and I might feel the rush of when I was 14 and getting drunk for the first time.

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I work with my student A LOT on impulse control. Yes, ABC’s and 1,2,3’s are important, but impulse control is so important that I cannot stress it enough.

Example (real life): One of my students sees a rabbit bone on the playground and decides to chew on it.

Now you might think but Morgan.. you teach SPED he does not know better… My job in this instance is to teach him to stop and think, “mouth or no mouth”.. by the end of the year that same student would indeed stop and think, and throw items on the ground because he wanted to put it in his mouth, but wouldn’t. That is amazing impulse control!

The command “stop” is important, it keeps my students safe. If I see my student running towards a 60 mph car, I want to say “stop”, and no matter what manic laughter I hear… I should see them “stop”.

Secondly, I will teach them what to do if “stopping makes them sad or mad”. For example, stopping a project is really hard for me. Just a second ago, I had to pause writing to do something and it was difficult.

Also, when I teach neurotypical students and my timer goes off during classroom activities, I ask my 4 year old’s to put their pencils or crayons down.

“But Ms. Tyler I am not done.”

“Hold on just let me” scribble, scribble, scribble.

Now to be fair, my instructions are to put your pencils/crayons down. Later, I always let them finish. I know how it feels to leave something unfinished. I am only forcing them to walk away for a short period of time. It is to practice impulse control.

After years of tackling my impulse control problem.. I have come up with a model that works for me. It is simple, but many people use this model when they try to drop a couple pounds.

I want some skittles. I am going to wait 30 minutes and if I still want those skittles I will eat some.. During the 30 minutes I play out consequences and look at different angles. Then I make the decision to act. I might still get off track, but this model has saved me from making some not so great decisions. That’s all I got. Thank you for reading!

Bops about my Lack of Impulsive Control

“Hmmm, of course we all have times when we’re weak
When you cannot find the version of yourself you seek
You should dig deep
Hmmm, don’t go through extremes, hmmm
Oh baby don’t get so down, oh baby don’t get so down
Now that you know, now that you know
Hmmm, here’s what you do, you gotta dig deep, deep
Oh to find your truth, your truth will speak, speak to you”