WARNING: *This post contains speech of self-harm*
Camp Mo Mo is an annual bash between my cousins, my nephews and I. This is a time of the year, where I try to sneak them away from their parents for some good ole fashion fun. I love to sugar them up, spoil them and then send them back to their wonderful parents. We even have tshirts and a camp song so you know it is official…
“Three cheers for camp Mo Mo,
Shout it out it’s the camp we love
This is the anthem of
(bum bum)
The camp we love
(bum bum)
doo doo doo doo doo doo hooray!!!”
One year during Camp Mo Mo, we went to Siesta Six Flags down in San Antonio, TX. There they have a giant coaster there called the Iron Rattler. I do have a tendency to get sick on anything that moves.. But the kids begged me so I rode it… and I was miserable. I blacked out during the barrel roll. I just remember thinking..
“Is this ride ever going to be over?”
The funny thing is and so relatable to this topic… When we got off.. They asked me to ride it again… and do you know what this people pleaser said?
“Alright, let’s do it!”
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I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder back in 2020. I had just gone through an intense break up with an on again off again girlfriend of 2 years. Since I am so bad at breakups, I had to make an exit plan. Exit plans are actually super helpful and can be applied to any toxic situation that life throws my way… For example, a job environment can be toxic.. You might not be able to leave it right away, because well have you seen inflation… but you can make a plan!
Anyways, part of my exit plan that I made with the help of my sister and my therapist was to give my phone to my sister for 1 week and to attend outpatient classes for 2 weeks at the same local psychiatric hospital that I referenced in a previous post.
The way the program works was that I would be in classes with differing topics all day as a way to distract myself from the breakup, while being around doctors and nurses that could help me in case I feel my “big feelings.”
But what I was most excited about was talking to a psychologist. Up until that point, I had only talked to a therapist and general practitioner about my mental health. I would get to talk to him for about 15 minutes, and he said some things that would change my life… The man diagnosed me with a personality disorder, called Borderline Personality Disorder and then handed me a book as my medicine (he even wrote down the name of the book on his prescription note pad)..… he told me, “there is no medicine to help you with this. It is all in your head. I can keep you on a low dose of Prozac, but it will not really help you either. You need intense therapy.”
I walked out of his room, actually feeling relatively positive. I was excited that I am not just CRAZY, but I have a disorder. I could make sense for the first time in my life why my brain is the way it is…
…the positivity wore off, however, when I began to read the book he “prescribed”.. By the time I got to page 9 of the book, I was no longer “relieved”.. I was terrified.
-Jerold Kreisman, MD & Hal Straus in “I Hate You- Don’t Leave me”
Was I being given a death warrant? I put the book down and cried. I talked to my therapist, and she told me to stop reading the book. I am not a book critic, so I will not speak on the validity of the book.. But what I will preach is if something is not serving you in a healthy way… you can put it away… (I also do not recommend the book hahahaha, they have made some revisions though.)
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What I did find helpful was walking through the Borderline criteria with myself and analyzing how each area is negatively affecting my life…
- Fear of Abandonment
Unhealthy Thoughts: This fear makes it hard for me to make new friends and form healthy romantic relationships. I assume that something I can say or do will make a person leave me. When things go south in the friendship, I go ghost and feel like I have confirmation that I am easy to leave. Conversely, in romantic relationships, I chase the wind hoping that the person will stay forever, if I am “good” enough.
Root Cause: Losing my mom. Being left alone for vital times in my childhood. I remember cooking myself Bagel Bites and Lean Cuisines and feeling super alone at the ages of 11-13. Losing friends at a young age.
Replacement Thoughts:
-My mom would never have left me on purpose. My mom was actually really worried about leaving me, when she passed.
-No, one teaches a family how to “grieve correctly”
-No one left me alone for the purposes of mal intent.
-As an adult, I can form new and healthy relationships
-I can get to know people on a deep and meaningful level
-I can help others
-I can empathize when others feel abandoned
-Some people just come into our lives for a season, and that is okay.
-We are all on different paths, and that means letting people “go”
- Unstable Relationships:
Unhealthy Thoughts: I want to feel whole. I want that person to complete me in a way that I have not felt since before my mother died. I do not want to die alone.
Root Cause: I am not whole in myself. If I had a complete heart, it would just break during a break up… Instead my heart is only half mine… the other half is filled with: other peoples’ pain (or my perception of their pain), others opinion of me, and others validation and ability to “be with me”.
Replacement Thought:
-if I got hit by a car tomorrow and lost all ability to produce, I would still be enough. I would still be lovable.
- Unclear Self-Image:
Unhealthy Thoughts: This one is actually really difficult for me to admit. When I was younger, I felt like I had a very strong sense of myself. I was proud to be Morgan Sweet Mother Trucking Tyler… I am still proud.. But my overall ability to answer the question of “Who am I, really?” has really been a point of contention… typically my brain goes south…
-I am a failure
-I am easy to reject
-I am easy to leave
-I am not that funny
-I am good at my job, but not much else…
Root Cause: I have failed before. I have been rejected before. I have had people just up and leave me before. I have been told that “I am not that funny.” Back when I was deeply rooted in Christianity, I believed that God was super angry with me all the time. I was disappointing him, my family and myself.
Replacement Thoughts:
-Failure is a part of success
-Failure is a part of life
-People are all on their own journey, and sometimes that means physical and emotional space
-I am Freaking hilarious
-I am good at my job, but I can be good at other things as well
-I can do things just “for fun” (like blogging 😉
-My higher power loves me and understands that life is hard.
-Thinking about MY VALUES, that no one can take from me
- Impulsive Behavior: If you like, you can read my previous post on this one! 🙂
- Self-Harm:
Unhealthy Action: Unfortunately, I started self-harming when I was 18. I experienced a romantic form of rejection for the first time. My self-esteem was so low and I wanted that relationship so badly that I went out into a peer over the Belizian water and ran my fist through the wooden beams of the peer. Then I took my fist and put it to my face.. I have been taking shots to the face for the past 11 years. I have gotten better through therapy, but when shit hits the fan…
Root Cause: The pain I inflict on the outside, is less painful than the pain on the inside..
Healthy Replacement Thought/Actions:
-Hold an ice cube in my hands
-dunk myself in ice water
-tapping exercises
-Stare into my Bagel’s eyes (my dog)
-Pet or Walk Bagel
-Writing on the top of my hand in really big letters: BE KIND TO YOURSELF…
-Listen to music
- Explosive Anger: ( I do not relate to this one as of now. In my younger days, I struggled with anger… As an adult, I am pretty easy breezy cover girl)
- Not Exactly Living In Reality
Paranoid Thoughts: Everyone hates me. Everyone is annoyed by me. Everyone thinks I am self-seeking. I am a problem. Everyone will leave me. I can push anyone away, if I try hard enough.
Root Cause: Past trauma and my PTSD actually causes me to disassociate sometimes…
For example, when I feel someone slipping away.. I feel like I am on a rowboat slipping away in the ocean.. I am screaming and crying for someone to save me.. But my boat keeps going out into the stormy sea.. I sometimes open my eyes to find myself on the bathroom floor…. Alone….
Replacement Thoughts/Actions:
-My grounding techniques as listed above in the self-harm section.
- Chronic Feeling of Emptiness:
If I could pick one.. And I mean only one of the 9 traits that will destroy a person… it would be this one for me.
The above description of me caught in an ocean storm is only part of my visualization. Sometimes there is no storm…. Sometimes I am on the row boat.. The water is calm and I only see a crescent moon, up in the sky… I think the moon is my mom. It is calm out in those waters… but hella lonely.
It is my intention to “fill the void” with constructs of life that are “healthy” and “happy”, but my friends it is not that easy… unfortunately, I disagree with the psychiatrist that originally gave me this diagnosis.
Intense Dialectical Behavior Therapy has not been enough to get me off of this roller coaster of a ride, I call my life.
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- Extreme Emotional Mood Swings:
Now that I have second, third and fourth medical opinions, I am actually not sure if I even have Borderline Personality Disorder at all. One Doctor thinks I have Bi-Polar Disorder, another thinks I just have SEVERE ADHD, another thinks it is severe anxiety… but they ALL agree that I suffer from BIG FEELINGS and mood swings… I feel strong. I feel intensely…
Lately, I have been following a holistic approach to my health care. I try to make sure I am taking care of ALL aspects of my being. Sometimes this means medicine… sometimes this means drinking a lot of water
….. but what has made the biggest impact on my life is the understanding that my life is like a rollercoaster…. sometimes I need to throw my hands in the air and EMBRACE the ride. Other times, I have to look at the coaster, and say, “ I need to sit this one out.”
But either way… when I am old and gray, I want to say, “that was one hell of a ride!”
Will you ride with me?
Reference: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
Boppinwithaborderline 
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